Bring a sympathy card, flowers, or a small memorial gift to a wake. You might also bring food for the family if it’s appropriate in your culture or if you know them well. The most important thing you bring is your presence and support for the grieving family.
Deciding what to bring to a wake can feel overwhelming when you’re already processing grief or trying to show support during a difficult time. The gesture matters more than the specific item, but knowing what’s appropriate can help you focus on what really counts: being there for the family.
Traditional Items to Bring to a Wake
Most wakes welcome certain traditional offerings that express sympathy and support. These time-tested options show respect and provide comfort to grieving families.
Sympathy Cards
A heartfelt sympathy card is always appropriate and deeply appreciated. Write a brief, personal message sharing a memory of the deceased or expressing your support for the family. Keep it simple and sincere.
If you’re unsure what to write, a few sentences acknowledging the loss and offering your condolences is enough. The family will often read these cards multiple times during their grieving process.
Fresh Flowers
Flower arrangements, potted plants, or a simple bouquet are traditional wake gifts. Many families appreciate flowers because they add beauty to the service and can be taken home afterward as a remembrance.
Consider the family’s preferences if you know them. Some cultures or religions have specific flower traditions, while others might prefer donations to charity instead.
Memorial Donations
Many obituaries mention a preferred charity or cause in lieu of flowers. Making a donation in the deceased person’s name shows thoughtfulness and honors their values or interests.
Bring a card mentioning the donation, or have the charity send a notification card directly to the family. This lets them know about your gift without putting the burden on you to coordinate delivery.
Food and Practical Support
Food gifts require more consideration but can provide tremendous comfort to families dealing with the practical challenges of grief and funeral planning.
When Food is Appropriate
Bring food if you’re close to the family, if your cultural tradition includes food sharing during mourning, or if you’ve been specifically asked to contribute to a meal. Food works best when the wake is held at a family home or community center rather than a funeral home.
Choose items that are easy to serve, don’t require special preparation, and can be stored easily. Casseroles, sandwich platters, or baked goods are practical choices that feed multiple people.
Practical Considerations
Label any containers with your name and include serving utensils if needed. Consider dietary restrictions if you know them, and choose foods that will last if not eaten immediately.
Coordinate with other family friends to avoid bringing duplicate items. Someone close to the family often organizes a meal schedule to ensure variety and prevent waste.
Personal and Memorial Gifts
Thoughtful personal gifts can provide lasting comfort, but they require careful consideration of your relationship with the family and their preferences.
Photo Albums or Memory Books
If you have photos of the deceased or shared memories, consider creating a small photo album or memory book. This works especially well if you were a close friend, coworker, or family member with unique photos the family might not have.
Keep it simple and focus on positive memories. The family might not be ready to look through it immediately, but they’ll often treasure it later in their grieving process.
Memorial Items
Small memorial items like candles, ornaments, or garden stones can provide comfort. Choose items that reflect the person’s interests or personality, but avoid anything too large or elaborate unless you know the family well.
Religious families might appreciate prayer cards, religious books, or spiritual memorial items that align with their faith tradition.
What Not to Bring
Some items, while well-intentioned, can create additional stress for grieving families or aren’t appropriate for wake settings.
Avoid These Items
Don’t bring alcohol unless you know the family well and are certain it’s welcome. Avoid expensive or elaborate gifts that might make the family feel obligated. Skip anything that requires immediate attention or care, like pets or live plants that need special maintenance.
Large or bulky items can be problematic because families often don’t have space or energy to deal with them during the first 24 hours after a death and the days that follow.
Cultural and Religious Considerations
Research cultural or religious customs if you’re unsure. Some traditions have specific items that are welcomed or avoided during mourning periods. When in doubt, ask a close family member or friend what would be most helpful.
Different communities have varying expectations about food, flowers, and memorial gifts. What’s appropriate in one setting might not fit in another.
Practical Tips for Wake Etiquette
How you present your gift matters as much as what you bring. These practical tips help ensure your gesture provides comfort rather than additional stress.
Timing and Presentation
Arrive with your gift ready to present simply. Keep conversations brief and focused on the deceased or offering support to the family. This isn’t the time for lengthy catch-up conversations or discussing your own problems.
If you’re bringing food, coordinate drop-off times to avoid overwhelming the family’s kitchen or refrigerator space. Consider bringing items earlier in the day if the wake is in the evening.
Delivery Alternatives
Sometimes having flowers or food delivered directly to the funeral home or family’s house is more practical than carrying them to the wake yourself. This allows you to focus on providing emotional support during the service.
For families dealing with the many tasks that follow a death, having one less thing to manage during the wake can be a genuine help.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it okay to arrive empty-handed?
Yes, your presence and support matter more than any physical gift. If you’re unable to bring something or forgot, don’t let that keep you from attending. The family will appreciate that you took time to be there with them.
Should I bring something for children at the wake?
Small, quiet activities like coloring books or simple snacks can help children cope with the unfamiliar environment of a wake. Check with the parents first, and choose items that won’t disrupt the solemn atmosphere.
What if the family specifically says “no flowers”?
Respect their wishes completely. This usually means they prefer donations to a specific charity or simply don’t want to manage additional items during their grief. A sympathy card expressing your condolences is always appropriate.
Can I bring homemade food to a wake?
Homemade food is often deeply appreciated, especially if you’re known for a particular dish or the deceased enjoyed your cooking. Make sure it’s properly labeled and stored, and consider the logistics of serving and cleanup.
Is money ever an appropriate gift?
In some cultures, giving money to help with funeral expenses is traditional and expected. In others, it might seem inappropriate. When in doubt, a donation to a charity mentioned in the obituary is usually a safer alternative that honors the deceased while providing practical help.
This information is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal, medical, or financial advice. Always consult qualified professionals for guidance specific to your situation.